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Sunday, 13 November 2011

Intense love, the good, the bad and the ugly

This is a blog that I have to tread very carefully with, one that is like stepping on a field of landmines. In writing this, I do not want to open a can of worms that will be almost impossible to close again. So I will walk with caution, and omit some very tricky details. Those who know me well will know exactly where I am coming from and will understand completely what I mean.

So, intense love? What is it and who has had it? I have, at one point, been involved in a love that was so like this it caused me to change my whole life, first at the start of of the relationship, then at the end, to pick up the pieces.
It didn't work out, and when looking back it is glaringly obvious why. I came out a totally different person to the one who went in and I was taught some hard lessons along the way.
I have since learned, that in most cases, intense love is not designed to last, it burns bright but extinguishes fast (and usually with a huge explosion). It starts like a fairytale and ends in a nightmare. It is like a coin with two sides, and when the coin flips, you sure as hell know about it.
I am not just talking about my own story here, as I always like to do research when writing blogs. I have read about, and spoken to many a person who has experienced this kind of love and has come out with burnt fingers and deep mental scars. It has made them look deep inside themselves and take stock on what has happened.

So what do I mean when I say The Good, The Bad, The Ugly? For those who have not experienced this kind of love, it may seem odd that I am writing a blog that will look at the cons of having a partner that worships the ground you walk upon.
 I won't lie, it is amazing to have someone tell you that you are the best thing that has happened to them. You can't believe your luck when they say they feel blessed to have you in thier world. You think you are dreaming when they start to shower you with gifts. But with the coin anology, there is usually a flipside. In every case I have stumbled upon, read and/or heard about, there is the talk of insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness and neediness that transpires from this relationship. Before one knows it, they are walking on egg-shells and will do almost anything to keep the peace and have a quiet life. They find they have to give details about where they are going and who they are with, it is required that they edit people from thier lives, and they have to be very careful about what they say and do.
By the time the relationship is in full swing, there appears to be an imbalance of power. It is like a see-saw of alternating good and bad times. Emotions run high and the levels of self-esteem are low.
Ok, I can hear you saying, isn't this what normal relationships are like? There will always be bad times as well as good. Jealousy and the like can make an appearance somewhere from time to time, life and love is not a bed of roses. Yes I totally agree with you, and I completely understand what you are saying, but to have these things rule your life? Well that is a different story entirely. I have been down this path, and it is not one I wish to tread again, ever, and I know there are others who feel the exact same way.
Walking away from this type of love is never an easy option, and it always takes a large amount of courage to do so. Starting again with nothing is not a walk in the park, and relying on your survival instinct to get you through is exausting. Picking up the broken pieces is not a choice, but a necessity if you want to feel happiness again. But if you are in this boat yourself, it is very possible, you can do it, and you have made the right decision in leaving, trust me on that! If you need help along the way, there is no shame in it, go and ask! Take as long as you need to recover, draw on support from your loved ones and know that you will get there, sooner or later.

Anyway enough of the negatives. I always like to add an element of light-heartedness to my blogs. If I keep on this thread I will end up feeling depressed and I do not want to go to that place, life is good right now and I am a happy little blogger.
 I am pleased to say that my rule book has completely changed now that I am free, I am all for meeting a man who is a typical lad, a real bloke. I am sure you know what I mean, a man that's a geezer. He makes you feel special but likes to hang with the boys. He who watches the football and thinks its hilarious to burp loudly whilst you watch Sex And The City. One that you may not see or hear from for days on end and who sometimes forgets to reply to texts. He can't remember the names of your friends but doesn't get jealous when you head out for a night on the town with them. You don't have to give this man regular updates of where you are, or what you are doing, and he won't misconstrue the fact that you are wearing a skirt and heels. He laughs when he sees you put your make up on but doesn't accuse you of cheating because of it. This is the man that can become a kid when his mates are around, but dotes on you when you are alone together. A bloke that can quote lines from Top Gear and collects beer mats in his batchelor pad. A night in the pub is a religion to him and the bar crawl stories are cheesy. But at least with this man, a woman will know what she is getting into. There will be no hidden flipsides or rides on eternal see-saws. You may not get placed on a pedestal, but then you can't be rudely shoved off it either. You won't be the centre of his existence one minute then the cause of all his woes the next. What you see is what you get. If this is what is next for me, then bring it on! I can hand on heart say that if the only things that are intense in my life are the conditioners I occasionally slap in my hair, or the Ice-creams I can't resist digging into, well that suits me. I do not need an intense love affair, and nor do I want one again. Been there, done that, worn the t-shirt. Someone else is wearing it now and all I can say is, hope it fits, but if not? Take the damn thing off before it gets too uncomfortable!

Saturday, 5 November 2011

To shame or not to shame? That is the question!

Come on, we've all been there. Ok, maybe not the tee-totallers, but most of us have. Let's be honest, I know I have been there, and on more than one occasion, I must add. What am I on about, you ask, ok I will elaborate.
You have a bad week at work, and/or something happen in your personal life. Or maybe you haven't eaten properly that day, or just maybe you have lost track of how much you have had to drink before you went out. You go with your friends for a night out on the town and for whatever reason, you decide that you will be a one person drinking machine!
Sometimes you wake up the next morning with hazy but happy memories of letting off steam and laughing with your friends, but unfortunately, sometimes it's worse. You regain conciousness with a phone full of messages asking if you are ok, you have the hangover that Satan would be proud of and to top it off zero memory after a certain time. You are filled in by your companions later on that you were declaring love to unsuspecting strangers, you had drunk text your ex telling him you wished he was dead then in the next sentance proposing marriage and wanting his babies! You had your head down the toilet and sick down your top. You were crying, then you ended up being carried out of the club falling asleep.

Ok, I can here you saying "Yes, and the point to this is?" Alright I will explain what has got me on my soapbox. With the development of technology these days, for many a person, when a night out like this occurs, it doesn't just get pencilled down as experience, a mistake that can be made occasionally, just human nature from time to time, nope! For some unfortunate souls it becomes mandatory for pals whip out thier cameras and phones then splatter it all over the social netwoking pages for all to see, and how lovely is that? It no longer is just something that you want to forget about as soon as possible, but something all your friends, family, work colleagues and even possibly your bosses can view and make judgement on. Its there, and permanently, for others to look at. It happened to one girl I know, and I am outraged on her behalf! What on earth did she do so wrong that caused someone to think it would be nice to post these pictures up. I would bet this girl has bought the guilty man drinks, given him lifts etc, what a nice way to pay her back!

It got me thinking, what kind of mates are we if we take pictures of our friends in these states, post them on facebook and/or click 'like' afterwards. What has given us the right to name and shame our friends and make it public? Is this one step away from internet bullying? Are we all turning nasty? Plus now, with all the other things on our minds do we really have to worry that we could log onto our pages and be confronted with the pictorial evidence that our so called mates thought would be 'Hilarious'.

 What we need to think about is how it will affect the person in question. They could be really ashamed, It could get them fired, they could have strict families or partners that could react in a nasty way, we just don't know. Wouldn't it just be fairer to take your friend home, put them to bed and check on them the next day, all the time whilst keeping your phones and cameras safely tucked away. Isn't that what a real friend does, or at least attempt to sober them up and generally be there for them. According to what I've seen, it appears not, instead we make it public and laugh at their misfortune.

It was also down to Derren Brown's Experiments; The Gameshow, that I felt I had to defend this girl. The show in question looked at faceless people who decided the fate of an unsuspecting man. With this programme Derren taught me that you always have an option, to do good or to do bad. Would I become a faceless person laughing at my mate who had the joy of having these pictures posted? No I would not! The male friend of hers who thought it would be fun to post the photos not only invited others to laugh, but also to comment. If he didn't like what I wrote on the pics, well, tough! He had option A, not to take them or post them, but he chose option B, and in doing so caused me voice my opinion on the matter. It also made me contemplate naming and shaming him, but then would that be choosing option B myself and becoming nasty? Maybe, yes, and I am not that person, it's not in my nature. I am safe in the knowledge that my friends and I are genuine and wouldn't dream of taking such pictures of each other, and when it comes to options, I am proud to say I would choose option A each time